It's Sunday. Hubby got up early to try to get some work done before some church and I got up early, too. Not because I wanted to but because my goal for January is to get up by seven everyday and I enjoy the quiet time that comes with being up early anyway and I sure didn't want to oversleep and be frazzled or mess up my sleep patterns! I've worked too hard establishing them.
When I got to the kitchen I was so pleased by how clean it is. I thought about how my Hubby and two middle kids helped make dinner last night and then helped clean up! There was a really sweet spirit all through the dinner hour. We missed Firstborn because she was at a school function but still, it was a good time.
Hubby made burgers and macaroni and cheese ( from scratch!) I am blessed and I know I am.
But I haven't always been able to pad out of bed early in the morning with a song in my heart.
There have been many, many mornings when I didn't come into a kitchen with a shiny sink, but a kitchen full of dirty dishes and a floor that needed swept. I've had too many mornings where the counter was sticky and I could not find a coffee cup that didn't have something brown in the bottom of it.
Yep, I know what it's like for the Girl in the Mirror to Not be Doing so Hot.
I want to say something to you if you aren't doing so hot: it's okay. It is okay to be a mess. Actually, it's pretty common. Click here if you are interested in just how common it is.
Now I want to say something else. It is NOT okay to beat yourself up over being a mess. And it is not okay to stay a mess. What you need is help. If you've been reading this blog it's because you want to be the best version of yourself because that is what I'm writing about when I come here. I don't think that people who don't care about being a better version of themselves read about goals or how to be a better parent. They just don't.
If you are able to take the principles that other people teach and see a difference in your life, that is wonderful!
But if you read what they say and what I say and you just want to cry because it is too hard to implement in your own life, you need to get help.
I personally take meds every day that allow my brain to do the heavy lifting that it has to do for my hands and feet to get out of bed everyday and go forth and do.
When my brain is broke I can physically walk around and I can do dishes, physically. I can even cook or fold laundry. But my really huge big problem is this: I can't concentrate. It is almost impossible for me to complete tasks when I am in bad place because my brain keeps forgetting and jumping around from thought to thought and so my hands don't continue doing the laundry. Or I just can't decide on what to make for supper so I don't make any supper at all.
Worse yet, I get what I call "the bad loops" playing through my brain. These are the accusing thoughts that say I'm no good and that my kids would be better with a different person caring for them and even more horrible things than that. Now I'm not going to go any more deeply into the "bad loops" but I wanted to say that when I'm on my meds they stop.
Edited to add that my thinking didn't become "perfect" after I got on proper meds but I was able to think on proper meds instead of feeling like I was going crazy. Off the meds I knew I that the thoughts plaguing me were counter to everything I had been taught but they were so powerful that it was almost impossible to fight them. It wore me down trying. It was terrible. On the meds and with the help of others who had fought MI and a therapist I found could really change the negative loops and they don't dominate my day-to-day thoughts anymore.
When I first got sick I thought I was just lazy; I thought I needed to read some books on positive thinking or something like that. Maybe pray more. You can read more about my story if you look in the archives of this blog.
I thought I could handle it by myself and that I shouldn't bother anybody else by telling them about the severe distress I was in.
But I was really, really wrong. The best thing for the people you love is to figure out what your problem really is and if it is something that needs meds, take them. There is no shame in regulating your brain chemistry so that you can function. None at all.
There's a lot of debate out there about natural fixes and such and I'm not going to get into all that, but my point is this.
If the Girl in the Mirror Needs Help, get her that help. Yesterday.
PS If you don't know where to get help, google NAMI and your local biggest city and explain your situation. They'll help you.
Love,
~ Jennifer
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