This post is for you, dear reader. But it's for me, too, because I have to choose to enjoy my children some days. It isn't always my natural response. Parenting well is an intentional endeavor. If you missed my first post on parenting, click here for a definition of parenting and some thoughts on how to encourage your kiddos.
But now here's some of my thoughts on enjoying your little people . . .
Choose to Be Flexible
I woke up early this morning, even though I didn't want to get up. Twice this week Hubby and I have had to go out to look for things we need in the evenings and it has interfered with my "going to bed" early plans. It's Friday and I'm tired.
I actually thought about sleeping in but I am super glad I got up because Secondborn had overslept and would have missed the bus if I hadn't gotten up and checked on him. He's usually up at 5:45 and puttering around!
But I digress. Back to the flexible bit . . .I said all that to say this . . .I was planning on Littlest sleeping in so I could do my devos and blog in peace. But she woke up.
So I went and lay down beside her and tried to get her to go back to sleep. I really thought I'd gotten her to sleep . . .I crept stealthily out of bed and but she SPRUNG up and joined me. Sigh.
At this point I had two choices. Be crabby and angry that I could not blog . . .I really want to be consistent about blogging M-F . . .or be flexible and figure something out for Littlest to do without ignoring her. So she's got some snacks right now and we are making faces back and forth over the laptop screen. . . not my first choice. I'd rather she was in bed asleep . . .but it is a better choice than me being resentful and surly with my child.
From past experience I've discovered that discontentment is contagious. Whoever said that "If Momma ain't happy, ain't nobody happy!" knew what he was talking about, even if he didn't know his grammar!
Teach Your Kiddos Listening Skills
My oldest two are about two years apart. I'm not sure where I learned to take their chubby little faces in my hands and say "Look in my eyes!" . . .but I did that a lot. I made sure I had their complete attention before asking them to do anything. When they got older I'd say "Look at my eyes" and take my middle and index fingers and lay them right under my eyes in a "Look at me" gesture. It worked so well that one time I caught myself saying it to Hubby. He was not amused . . .but it does seem a little funny now. :)
Now that they are older I don't do that anymore, but I do make sure we are looking into each other's eyes when we communicate and if necessary I turn off the television or put my phone down and turn my whole person towards them and say "Okay, tell me again what you were saying" because I want to model to them how to listen and besides, if I don't do that . . .I won't hear them either!
Teach Your Kiddos to Care about Each Other
"Families and communities are at their best when they care for one another." ~ unknown. I love that quote! It's not okay to be mean to your brother or your sister just because society seems to condone it and sitcoms make it seem super funny. When my oldest two were little we learned to sing the Bible verse that says "Do to others as you would have them do to you . . ." What an important concept!
Make Them Take Ownership For Their Choices
Let's talk about choices a little. Being kind, for example, is a CHOICE. Your child can choose to be kind, or he/she can choose not to be kind. You are the parent. You decide what the consequence is. It will be different for each child. I have one child who fits this little ditty perfectly "When she was good she was very, very good. But when she was bad, she was horrid."
One day I was horrified to see her little sister mirror her pouty lip, her stomp, her hands on her hips when she was angry. At that moment I realized that I had to nip this in the bud. My approach went like this: "Sweetie, I want you to change your attitude. In fact, if you will change your attitude for the week I'll let you pick new art supplies out on Friday."
She didn't care about that. She was MAD. Then I said, "Fine, no new art supplies. But if you stay with a bad attitude, you will lose your iPod for Saturday and Sunday. Your choice." And guess what? She chose to keep the iPod. It was her choice.
This concept is important because otherwise you may end up with self-centered, unpleasant children who cry because no one wants to be their friend.
Be Calm and Parent On
It could happen. You could get frustrated with your child. Maybe. Let's just say you lose your temper and say something like "That's it!!!! You never pick up your shoes! I am throwing all your shoes away this very minute!"
Well, that is a bad thing. For one, once you calm down you'll realize that if you don't follow through they'll be like . . ."Yeah, right. Mom always gets mad and says stupid stuff that she doesn't do. So I don't need to do what she says." So this is bad because no parent wants their kid to stop respecting them or listening to them.
OR if you follow through, YOU suffer because then you have to shell out your money for new shoes for your kid ( Unless he or she has a nice piggy bank. If that's the case, make them pay and it will work much better than you replacing the shoes, but you'll still end up replacing that money at some point which is bad.)
All of the above points are require you to be conscientious and intentional in your parenting. They can be pretty tiring.
So let's make the last point fun!
Enjoy Your Kids!
Go on! Tickle them. Make faces with them. Blow bubbles. Go to the park. Toss a ball around. Exercise! If they're older, watch movies together. Tell them corny jokes and about silly stuff that happened when you were their age. Look through old pictures together and let them make fun of your hair twenty years ago.
Make sure they know that you love them! And make sure that they know that you like them, too.
Edited to Add: I'm not sure where that story about shoes came from . . .maybe from Focus on the Family, the Radio show? I listen to them a lot. In fact, if you are looking for someone who really know what he's talking about when it comes to kids, you'd probably love Kevin Leman. I have heard him speak more than once on Focus on the Family. Click here to learn more!
Love,
~ Jennifer
Showing posts with label choosing. Show all posts
Showing posts with label choosing. Show all posts
Friday, January 17, 2014
Wednesday, January 8, 2014
Choosing People over Things
Today I have a companion during my writing time. She has lovely hair that sticks out every which way, footie pajamas and is humming while she colors in her Minnie Mouse coloring book at the other end of the table. I try to blog while she is sleeping but obviously, that doesn't always happen.
Again I am reminded that I get to CHOOSE.
I get to CHOOSE whether I am irritated that my child is interrupting "my" time or whether I am amused by her antics and patient with her, even when she colors on the wall. ( It's time for Plan B. No more crayons; we switch to Cheerios instead).
Day after day we get to choose to put people over things.
When I was a little girl I had a dollhouse. It had a family of dolls that came with it as well as some "extra" dolls. It had lots of furniture. I spent hours playing with that dollhouse! I loved it.
Every doll had a name and a personality. They had certain ways of interacting with each other.
I also had a best friend.
Guess what? Best Friend came over one day and we took the dollhouse out on the lawn. We start to play and it was a disaster. I could not get past the fact that Best Friend was changing the way that the characters were "supposed" to act.
"She would never say that!"
"He doesn't like spaghetti. The mother never cooks spaghetti!"
Needless to say, I don't have many memories of playing with that dollhouse with anybody else.
I remember my little sister saying to me one time "Why do we always have to take walks where you want to go?"
I was a kid, yes. And I was acting like a child. Immature. Selfish. The grown-up thing is to consider other people and live your life in such a way that everyone is treated well. You must take care of yourself, yes. But not to the point that you are treating others like they are inconveniences that make you want to roll your eyes and stomp around the kitchen as you slave over their breakfast or some other mundane task. . .
I'm not that kid anymore. Now I am a mother and a wife and I have a choice. Every day I get to choose to be immature and selfish by putting my wants and desires first. I can also choose to "put them first" but do it with a very poor attitude . . .and that isn't putting them first at all. It doesn't benefit me, either.
So I must be intentional. I must, on purpose, choose to be generous with my smiles and my patience. I must choose to create the habits that will allow me to carve out time to be relaxed, to figure out how to best manage my resources. It's all about choosing people over things.
And when I am making a soup, or loading or unloading the dishwasher and I get interrupted by a pair of sticky hands or a math question . . .I must choose to pause, look into the eyes of my beloved ones and listen.
It took me a long time to realize that my automatic thought processes were not always "okay." My mom had already drilled into me that I couldn't just blurt out every thought I had, nor could I just impulsively DO whatever I wanted to do. But for some reason it took me a very long time to realize that my thought life had to be intentional, too.
I must be intentional in how I view people and relationships if I want that area of my life to thrive.
That is why I choose to put people over things.
That is how I love.
That is what it's really all about.
With Love from Me to You,
Go Forth and Do,
~ Jennifer
Again I am reminded that I get to CHOOSE.
I get to CHOOSE whether I am irritated that my child is interrupting "my" time or whether I am amused by her antics and patient with her, even when she colors on the wall. ( It's time for Plan B. No more crayons; we switch to Cheerios instead).
Day after day we get to choose to put people over things.
When I was a little girl I had a dollhouse. It had a family of dolls that came with it as well as some "extra" dolls. It had lots of furniture. I spent hours playing with that dollhouse! I loved it.
Every doll had a name and a personality. They had certain ways of interacting with each other.
I also had a best friend.
Guess what? Best Friend came over one day and we took the dollhouse out on the lawn. We start to play and it was a disaster. I could not get past the fact that Best Friend was changing the way that the characters were "supposed" to act.
"She would never say that!"
"He doesn't like spaghetti. The mother never cooks spaghetti!"
Needless to say, I don't have many memories of playing with that dollhouse with anybody else.
I remember my little sister saying to me one time "Why do we always have to take walks where you want to go?"
I was a kid, yes. And I was acting like a child. Immature. Selfish. The grown-up thing is to consider other people and live your life in such a way that everyone is treated well. You must take care of yourself, yes. But not to the point that you are treating others like they are inconveniences that make you want to roll your eyes and stomp around the kitchen as you slave over their breakfast or some other mundane task. . .
I'm not that kid anymore. Now I am a mother and a wife and I have a choice. Every day I get to choose to be immature and selfish by putting my wants and desires first. I can also choose to "put them first" but do it with a very poor attitude . . .and that isn't putting them first at all. It doesn't benefit me, either.
So I must be intentional. I must, on purpose, choose to be generous with my smiles and my patience. I must choose to create the habits that will allow me to carve out time to be relaxed, to figure out how to best manage my resources. It's all about choosing people over things.
And when I am making a soup, or loading or unloading the dishwasher and I get interrupted by a pair of sticky hands or a math question . . .I must choose to pause, look into the eyes of my beloved ones and listen.
It took me a long time to realize that my automatic thought processes were not always "okay." My mom had already drilled into me that I couldn't just blurt out every thought I had, nor could I just impulsively DO whatever I wanted to do. But for some reason it took me a very long time to realize that my thought life had to be intentional, too.
I must be intentional in how I view people and relationships if I want that area of my life to thrive.
That is why I choose to put people over things.
That is how I love.
That is what it's really all about.
With Love from Me to You,
Go Forth and Do,
~ Jennifer
Tuesday, January 7, 2014
Oh Poop! On Happiness & Choices
So today I opened up my Women of Faith Study Bible ( this Bible happens to be the 2001 edition) and started reading in I Peter.
I love this Bible because it is full of stories about women in the Bible ( and though I grew up in church, there are women in these stories that somehow never got imbedded in my mind, so "meeting them again is a treat), inspirational quotes and helpful summaries about the book of the Bible that the reader is studying at that point. There is also a helpful calendar . . .week 49, week 50, etc.
Anyway, back to what I was reading. . .
I was reading I Peter 1:6b-8
"You may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. These have come so that your faith . . .may be proved genuine and result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed. Though you have not seen Him, you love Him; and even though you do not see Him now, you believe in Him and are filled with an inexpressible and glorious joy, "
and then I thought back, actually flipped back a few pages to James, page 2012 in my WOF Bible.
There is a note about James 1:2 and in part it says:
"It is important to note that these 'trials' are afflictions, persecutions or sicknesses. These are not troubles that believers bring on themselves due to sin. They are simply the difficulties everyone faces in life. We can begin to find joy in our trials when we accept them for what they are---schools of tutelage for our souls. Through this tutelage, James says, we learn perseverance. And through perserverance, we become mature and complete. Difficult times come to everyone; yet we can be glad knowing that, with God's help, precious lessons come from difficult times."
I have heard some version of these concepts all my life at one time or another but it occurred to me just then that . . .hey, in Western Society right now, there is an idea and it looks like this:
Happiness = No Problems or at least Minimal Problems
Then we are told:
Right Things ( right clothes, right education, right friends, right boyfriend/girlfriend, etc) =No Problems
We are also told that:
You CAN FIND THE RIGHT THINGS, therefore, you can HAVE NO PROBLEMS ( or at least minimal ones) and remember,
No Problems = Happiness
BUT I don't know who came up with that formula, but they hadn't been talking to James or Peter, now had they?
Because I think what the Bible is teaching us in the above passages ( James and Peter) is quite different.
It is more like a story than a formula ( Want to hear a story? Of course you do!!)
Once upon a time there was a farmer. And part of his duties, as a farmer, was to care for the few animals that he had. It was very cold where he was and he had to muck out the stalls everyday. It was hard work and it smelled like poop.
Now the farmer had other problems besides the poop and the fact that it was hard, back tiring work.
For one thing, there were uneven boards, the shovel broke and he had to fix it and if he was late to dinner his wife became cross and said mean things to him. Occasionally an animal became sick and had to be doctored.
Now the farmer had to make some choices. Either he was miserable, or he learned to think about things like how beautiful his horse that pooped every day was. He learned to come to see her with a smile and a treat.
He learned how to fix the shovel, he learned to avoid hitting the uneven boards. There was also the matter of telling his wife that he might be a little late . . .and he would try not to be . . .or better yet, ask her to come out into the sparkling snow with him, seeing the honking geese as they flew across the winter sky, listen for the song of the little birds who clustered in the trees near the barn in the mornings with him and greet the grateful horse.
Same farmer. Same scenario. Different focus.
We as people often don't even think about the choices that we are making until we are angrily shoveling poop and fall face first in it.
As a person who struggles with a mood disorder, I couldn't just think myself out of my pile of poop. I had to ask for help. . .I had to CHOOSE WELLNESS.
Guess what? I got help, too. Medicine to regulate the chemistry in my brain. And thank God, people to help me look up again, at the birds in the sky, at the horse . . .
And I'm not an exception. There's hope for everyone out there, even if they are currently in a pile of poop.
Here's to you! Happy shoveling!
~ Jennifer
I love this Bible because it is full of stories about women in the Bible ( and though I grew up in church, there are women in these stories that somehow never got imbedded in my mind, so "meeting them again is a treat), inspirational quotes and helpful summaries about the book of the Bible that the reader is studying at that point. There is also a helpful calendar . . .week 49, week 50, etc.
Anyway, back to what I was reading. . .
I was reading I Peter 1:6b-8
"You may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. These have come so that your faith . . .may be proved genuine and result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed. Though you have not seen Him, you love Him; and even though you do not see Him now, you believe in Him and are filled with an inexpressible and glorious joy, "
and then I thought back, actually flipped back a few pages to James, page 2012 in my WOF Bible.
There is a note about James 1:2 and in part it says:
"It is important to note that these 'trials' are afflictions, persecutions or sicknesses. These are not troubles that believers bring on themselves due to sin. They are simply the difficulties everyone faces in life. We can begin to find joy in our trials when we accept them for what they are---schools of tutelage for our souls. Through this tutelage, James says, we learn perseverance. And through perserverance, we become mature and complete. Difficult times come to everyone; yet we can be glad knowing that, with God's help, precious lessons come from difficult times."
I have heard some version of these concepts all my life at one time or another but it occurred to me just then that . . .hey, in Western Society right now, there is an idea and it looks like this:
Happiness = No Problems or at least Minimal Problems
Then we are told:
Right Things ( right clothes, right education, right friends, right boyfriend/girlfriend, etc) =No Problems
We are also told that:
You CAN FIND THE RIGHT THINGS, therefore, you can HAVE NO PROBLEMS ( or at least minimal ones) and remember,
No Problems = Happiness
BUT I don't know who came up with that formula, but they hadn't been talking to James or Peter, now had they?
Because I think what the Bible is teaching us in the above passages ( James and Peter) is quite different.
It is more like a story than a formula ( Want to hear a story? Of course you do!!)
Once upon a time there was a farmer. And part of his duties, as a farmer, was to care for the few animals that he had. It was very cold where he was and he had to muck out the stalls everyday. It was hard work and it smelled like poop.
Now the farmer had other problems besides the poop and the fact that it was hard, back tiring work.
For one thing, there were uneven boards, the shovel broke and he had to fix it and if he was late to dinner his wife became cross and said mean things to him. Occasionally an animal became sick and had to be doctored.
Now the farmer had to make some choices. Either he was miserable, or he learned to think about things like how beautiful his horse that pooped every day was. He learned to come to see her with a smile and a treat.
He learned how to fix the shovel, he learned to avoid hitting the uneven boards. There was also the matter of telling his wife that he might be a little late . . .and he would try not to be . . .or better yet, ask her to come out into the sparkling snow with him, seeing the honking geese as they flew across the winter sky, listen for the song of the little birds who clustered in the trees near the barn in the mornings with him and greet the grateful horse.
Same farmer. Same scenario. Different focus.
We as people often don't even think about the choices that we are making until we are angrily shoveling poop and fall face first in it.
As a person who struggles with a mood disorder, I couldn't just think myself out of my pile of poop. I had to ask for help. . .I had to CHOOSE WELLNESS.
Guess what? I got help, too. Medicine to regulate the chemistry in my brain. And thank God, people to help me look up again, at the birds in the sky, at the horse . . .
And I'm not an exception. There's hope for everyone out there, even if they are currently in a pile of poop.
Here's to you! Happy shoveling!
~ Jennifer
Sunday, January 5, 2014
Stop, Drop and Be Thankful!
This morning I slept in!
This in and of itself is not a bad thing. Many people sleep in on Sunday morning and it is part of their routine and they love it. But I am trying to teach myself to get up earlier.
I woke up, asked Hubby what time it was, and instantly my heart sank.
Then he told me that it was -5 F and that the roads are slippery and that the wind was blowing and we would not be going to church this morning. Again, my heart sank.
Next my youngest popped her eyes wide open and I realized that there was NO WAY in the world that I'd get any "alone" time this morning, at least not the kind that I wanted.
You see, I had this image in my head. Me, padding out to the kitchen before the rest of the house was awake. Me, brewing a strong cup of coffee, drinking it slowly while I read my Bible, wrote out my prayer. Me, opening my computer, blogging in peace.
The image continued. I was supposed to run down to the dryer and retrieve the clothes I had so intentionally picked out and washed and dried last night so that my family wouldn't have to scramble for their Sunday best this morning. This morning was going to be a GREAT SUNDAY MORNING and now it was all ruined.
I pouted. I grumbled to Hubby about "really wanting to go to church." I did not acknowledge his plan to make French Toast very graciously.
And then a few things came to my mind:
1. One of my future keystone habits is going to be eliminating negative self-talk. Why not start now? It is not enough to just not say negative stuff in word form because those around us can read our body language disturbingly well.
2. My ten year old was absolutely thrilled with the snowdrifts outside. I had a choice. Kill her joy or join in.
3. How hypocritical of me it would be to sit at the dining room table and angrily read my Bible and pray while my husband and children happily prepared breakfast together. What kind of a message would that send them? I chose to sit there and read my Bible and write my prayers out with a smile on my face and I did banter a bit with them . . .I read them a snippet of something I had noted earlier this week in my prayer book.
4. I also thought, ruefully, about a man in Florida who was on house arrest and he asked to be put in jail to get away from his wife. I had a choice to make this morning. I could be a shrew or I could choose to abandon my preconceived notion of the "perfect Sunday morning" and enjoy my family.
Discontentment, anger at one's circumstances . . .these light a fire of unhappiness in the soul that can consume anyone.
When a physical fire threatens to destroy people are told to STOP, DROP and ROLL.
I'd encourage you to STOP, DROP and BE THANKFUL when anger and discontentment threaten to destroy your joy.
Happy Sunday,
Love,
~ Jennifer
This in and of itself is not a bad thing. Many people sleep in on Sunday morning and it is part of their routine and they love it. But I am trying to teach myself to get up earlier.
I woke up, asked Hubby what time it was, and instantly my heart sank.
Then he told me that it was -5 F and that the roads are slippery and that the wind was blowing and we would not be going to church this morning. Again, my heart sank.
Next my youngest popped her eyes wide open and I realized that there was NO WAY in the world that I'd get any "alone" time this morning, at least not the kind that I wanted.
You see, I had this image in my head. Me, padding out to the kitchen before the rest of the house was awake. Me, brewing a strong cup of coffee, drinking it slowly while I read my Bible, wrote out my prayer. Me, opening my computer, blogging in peace.
The image continued. I was supposed to run down to the dryer and retrieve the clothes I had so intentionally picked out and washed and dried last night so that my family wouldn't have to scramble for their Sunday best this morning. This morning was going to be a GREAT SUNDAY MORNING and now it was all ruined.
I pouted. I grumbled to Hubby about "really wanting to go to church." I did not acknowledge his plan to make French Toast very graciously.
And then a few things came to my mind:
1. One of my future keystone habits is going to be eliminating negative self-talk. Why not start now? It is not enough to just not say negative stuff in word form because those around us can read our body language disturbingly well.
2. My ten year old was absolutely thrilled with the snowdrifts outside. I had a choice. Kill her joy or join in.
3. How hypocritical of me it would be to sit at the dining room table and angrily read my Bible and pray while my husband and children happily prepared breakfast together. What kind of a message would that send them? I chose to sit there and read my Bible and write my prayers out with a smile on my face and I did banter a bit with them . . .I read them a snippet of something I had noted earlier this week in my prayer book.
4. I also thought, ruefully, about a man in Florida who was on house arrest and he asked to be put in jail to get away from his wife. I had a choice to make this morning. I could be a shrew or I could choose to abandon my preconceived notion of the "perfect Sunday morning" and enjoy my family.
Discontentment, anger at one's circumstances . . .these light a fire of unhappiness in the soul that can consume anyone.
When a physical fire threatens to destroy people are told to STOP, DROP and ROLL.
I'd encourage you to STOP, DROP and BE THANKFUL when anger and discontentment threaten to destroy your joy.
Happy Sunday,
Love,
~ Jennifer
Wednesday, October 30, 2013
Let's Talk Feelings (and God)
One of the greatest challenges I faced during and after my first episode was a lack of feeling.
I could KNOW something in my head, but not feel it.
After my first episode and the "good meds" started working there was still some "numbness" going on. I still wasn't quite right, even though I was so much better. ( I still remember a friend that I met after the episode telling me that she knew something was off when we first met. Ugh! How embarrassing! She waited three years before mentioning this because it took me that long to confide in her about my breakdown.)
So I KNEW Hubby loved me but I still felt completely isolated in my own shell of skin sometimes; I went through the motions of loving him, too, but sometimes the feelings just weren't there.
To further illustrate my point, let me tell you about something Hubby did for me. He took me on a beautiful cruise. This was my first time in the Caribbean, my first time on a boat on the ocean. I remember standing on the deck of the ship just outside of Jamaica in a flowing blue sundress . . .seeing the blue of the ocean, the green of the island beyond and feeling NOTHING. It was horrible. I knew that I should be like those women on TV on the beaches in THEIR flowing sundresses . . .full of the desire to dance and to stroll happily through the surf, grinning from ear to ear and just amazed at the new adventure that we were about to embark on . . .and I could feel nothing.
This made me ANGRY (numbly angry, but still). Oddly, anger was something I could do. Resentment. Bitterness. I could have those things.
Just because you can doesn't mean you should.
I'm not sure when the breakthrough occurred. There was never a magic moment when suddenly the scales tipped and all of the sudden I was feeling again. It was so slow it was imperceptible.
But I've got feelings again! Yay!
Part of the reason that losing my feelings was so devastating to me is because as a Christian, when I read my Bible, when I pray, all of the sudden concepts, ideas will jump out at me. Helpful things. Encouraging things. I get excited.
All day long I'll have this thought that will sustain me. I'll go back to God in little phrases "Thank you, God, for the sunrise! Thank you, God, for letting us find the things that were stolen from us! That was amazing. Wow. I still can't believe how that worked out . . .give me wisdom, God, for this thing with my daughter. I'm sorry for my bad attitude. Please help me figure out how to fix it." And you know, He does.
But all of what I've just described to you in the two paragraphs above went missing when my brain chemistry went wonky.
I could forgive just about everything else, but losing THAT made me so mad. If I wasn't a CHRISTIAN wife and mother, who was I? Were all the people who lived without acknowledging God daily really on to something? Some of them were very kind, good people. I began to doubt that God even really existed. I chose not to remember all the good things He'd done for Hubby and I over the years. I chose not to try to read my Bible and pray. It was too painful, because what if God didn't show Himself again?
I did continue to go to church. I am a social person. I like to talk and I like to get out of my house (hard to do when you don't work and you don't have excess funds for things like going to the gym or out to eat/out for coffee with friends). This is part of what drew me back towards God, like a fisherman reeling a reluctant fish into his boat . . .I flopped wildly and protested with all my might. But He caught me anyway, and now its like He's keeping me in an awesome saltwater tank with other really cool fish. I know God again. And I can read my Bible, pray . . .the whole nine yards.
I think the lesson I learned from all of this was DON"T stop reaching for what you know you want to feel. Keep going outside. Keep acting like you can feel love for the people who love you. Go to church ( and find a GOOD one where the people are friendly and reach towards you, not a cold place where you are ignored).
Realize that just because you can't feel the feelings, it doesn't meant they aren't there. Some things lie dormant until the sunshine touches them. You'll get sunshine on your soul again, I promise.
I could KNOW something in my head, but not feel it.
After my first episode and the "good meds" started working there was still some "numbness" going on. I still wasn't quite right, even though I was so much better. ( I still remember a friend that I met after the episode telling me that she knew something was off when we first met. Ugh! How embarrassing! She waited three years before mentioning this because it took me that long to confide in her about my breakdown.)
So I KNEW Hubby loved me but I still felt completely isolated in my own shell of skin sometimes; I went through the motions of loving him, too, but sometimes the feelings just weren't there.
To further illustrate my point, let me tell you about something Hubby did for me. He took me on a beautiful cruise. This was my first time in the Caribbean, my first time on a boat on the ocean. I remember standing on the deck of the ship just outside of Jamaica in a flowing blue sundress . . .seeing the blue of the ocean, the green of the island beyond and feeling NOTHING. It was horrible. I knew that I should be like those women on TV on the beaches in THEIR flowing sundresses . . .full of the desire to dance and to stroll happily through the surf, grinning from ear to ear and just amazed at the new adventure that we were about to embark on . . .and I could feel nothing.
This made me ANGRY (numbly angry, but still). Oddly, anger was something I could do. Resentment. Bitterness. I could have those things.
Just because you can doesn't mean you should.
I'm not sure when the breakthrough occurred. There was never a magic moment when suddenly the scales tipped and all of the sudden I was feeling again. It was so slow it was imperceptible.
But I've got feelings again! Yay!
Part of the reason that losing my feelings was so devastating to me is because as a Christian, when I read my Bible, when I pray, all of the sudden concepts, ideas will jump out at me. Helpful things. Encouraging things. I get excited.
All day long I'll have this thought that will sustain me. I'll go back to God in little phrases "Thank you, God, for the sunrise! Thank you, God, for letting us find the things that were stolen from us! That was amazing. Wow. I still can't believe how that worked out . . .give me wisdom, God, for this thing with my daughter. I'm sorry for my bad attitude. Please help me figure out how to fix it." And you know, He does.
But all of what I've just described to you in the two paragraphs above went missing when my brain chemistry went wonky.
I could forgive just about everything else, but losing THAT made me so mad. If I wasn't a CHRISTIAN wife and mother, who was I? Were all the people who lived without acknowledging God daily really on to something? Some of them were very kind, good people. I began to doubt that God even really existed. I chose not to remember all the good things He'd done for Hubby and I over the years. I chose not to try to read my Bible and pray. It was too painful, because what if God didn't show Himself again?
I did continue to go to church. I am a social person. I like to talk and I like to get out of my house (hard to do when you don't work and you don't have excess funds for things like going to the gym or out to eat/out for coffee with friends). This is part of what drew me back towards God, like a fisherman reeling a reluctant fish into his boat . . .I flopped wildly and protested with all my might. But He caught me anyway, and now its like He's keeping me in an awesome saltwater tank with other really cool fish. I know God again. And I can read my Bible, pray . . .the whole nine yards.
I think the lesson I learned from all of this was DON"T stop reaching for what you know you want to feel. Keep going outside. Keep acting like you can feel love for the people who love you. Go to church ( and find a GOOD one where the people are friendly and reach towards you, not a cold place where you are ignored).
Realize that just because you can't feel the feelings, it doesn't meant they aren't there. Some things lie dormant until the sunshine touches them. You'll get sunshine on your soul again, I promise.
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