Oh Poop! On Happiness & Choices

So today I opened up my Women of Faith Study Bible ( this Bible happens to be the 2001 edition) and started reading in I Peter.

I love this Bible because it is full of stories about women in the Bible ( and though I grew up in church, there are women in these stories that somehow never got imbedded in my mind, so "meeting them again is a treat), inspirational quotes and helpful summaries about the book of the Bible that the reader is studying at that point.  There is also a helpful calendar . . .week 49, week 50, etc.

Anyway, back to what I was reading. . .

I was reading I Peter 1:6b-8  

"You may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials.  These have come so that your faith . . .may be proved genuine and result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed.  Though you have not seen Him, you love Him; and even though you do not see Him now, you believe in Him and are filled with an inexpressible and glorious joy, "

and then I thought back, actually flipped back a few pages to James, page 2012 in my WOF Bible.

There is a note about James 1:2 and in part it says:

"It is important to note that these 'trials' are afflictions, persecutions or sicknesses.  These are not troubles that believers bring on themselves due to sin.  They are simply the difficulties everyone faces in life.  We can begin to find joy in our trials when we accept them for what they are---schools of tutelage for our souls.  Through this tutelage, James says, we learn perseverance.  And through perserverance, we become mature and complete.  Difficult times come to everyone; yet we can be glad knowing that, with God's help, precious lessons come from difficult times."

I have heard some version of these concepts all my life at one time or another but it occurred to me just then that . . .hey, in Western Society right now, there is an idea and it looks like this:

Happiness = No Problems or at least Minimal Problems

Then we are told:

Right Things ( right clothes, right education, right friends, right boyfriend/girlfriend, etc) =No Problems

We are also told that:

You CAN FIND THE RIGHT THINGS, therefore,  you can HAVE NO PROBLEMS ( or at least minimal ones) and remember,

No Problems = Happiness

BUT I don't know who came up with that formula, but they hadn't been talking to James or Peter, now had they?

Because I think what the Bible is teaching us in the above passages ( James and Peter) is quite different.

It is more like a story than a formula  ( Want to hear a story?  Of course you do!!)

Once upon a time there was a farmer.  And part of his duties, as a farmer, was to care for the few animals that he had.  It was very cold where he was and he had to muck out the stalls everyday.  It was hard work and it smelled like poop.

Now the farmer had other problems besides the poop and the fact that it was hard, back tiring work.

For one thing, there were uneven boards, the shovel broke and he had to fix it and if he was late to dinner his wife became cross and said mean things to him.  Occasionally an animal became sick and had to be doctored.

Now the farmer had to make some choices.  Either he was miserable, or he learned to think about things like how beautiful his horse that pooped every day was.  He learned to come to see her with a smile and a treat.

He learned how to fix the shovel, he learned to avoid hitting the uneven boards.  There was  also the matter of telling his wife that he might be a little late . . .and he would try not to be . . .or better yet, ask her to come out into the sparkling snow with him, seeing the honking geese as they flew across the winter sky, listen for the song of the little birds who clustered in the trees near the barn in the mornings with him and greet the grateful horse.

Same farmer.  Same scenario.  Different focus.

We as people often don't even think about the choices that we are making until we are angrily shoveling poop and fall face first in it.

As a person who struggles with a mood disorder,  I couldn't just think myself out of my pile of poop.  I had to ask for help. . .I had to CHOOSE WELLNESS.

Guess what?  I got help, too.  Medicine to regulate the chemistry in my brain.  And thank God, people to help me look up again, at the birds in the sky, at the horse . . .

And I'm not an exception.  There's hope for everyone out there, even if they are currently in a pile of poop.

Here's to you!  Happy shoveling!

~ Jennifer

Pressing On: Maintaing Willpower in Regards to Goals

I am going to talk about maintaining willpower in regards to goals today.

If you have read the last few blog entries I've posted, you know that I am trying to establish a new habit:  I want to get up earlier!

So I am going to talk about that goal today.  I'll put some ideas out there and number them to make it easier to follow so that I can be encouraged in my fight to get up earlier.  You feel free to insert YOUR personal goal into the principles discussed and be encouraged, too.

I was surprised and delighted to find that in the beginning of her awesome book,   The How (and Wow!) of Habits,   Carrie Willard of http://carriewillard.com talks about the same things I'll be blogging on today and so I'm making sure you have a link to her website so that you can get over there and research her further if you like what you are reading here.

So here we go:  I am maintaing this goal, this "Habit-to-Be" because:

1.  My "Habit-to-Be" is a GREAT Habit.  I am going to make a list of WHY this is a great habit to have and tape it to my mirror to remind me daily of WHY I am doing this.

One of the first concepts that Carrie discusses is this:  not all habits are created equal.  Some have a "spillover" effect, meaning that if you establish one habit, it leads to other habits.  For example, if you start making your bed every morning, chances are you will start picking up the socks beside the bed and tossing them into the laundry basket instead of letting them mildew beside the bed.  :)

She lists out some great keystone habits and one of them is eliminating negative talk.  I am mentioning this because perhaps I will work on THIS keystone habit next.  I'm not sure.  Do you see how the fact that I am up early, blogging, is a positive thing?  It is giving me the time to think about my NEXT keystone habit.

It is also great for me to establish my GREAT Habit, not just for me but for others.  Here is a way to remember that:  take a moment and draw a picture.  Write "Me" in the middle of a piece of paper and around it enough lines to radiate out as there are people that are very close to you.  Write their names at the other end of the lines.  In my case, I'd put "Me Up Earlier" in the center and then my Hubby and kids on the other end of the lines.  That would remind me of WHY I'm trying to get up earlier.  Because it helps me, but also THEM.

2.  My "Habit-to-Be" is a Habit that is Easy to Plan Out

A.  I must share my vision with Hubby.  I think he'll get on board because he likes a hot breakfast and because he'll grasp the spillover concept.

B.  I must go to bed earlier.  This is crucial.  It is hard for me to go to bed earlier because I like to hang out with Hubby after the children are all tucked in . . .but if I am intentional about getting myself in bed and establishing a bedtime routine for my Hard-to-Get-to-Sleep Child, this is definitely achievable.

C.  I must research this concept and implement other people's ideas.  Carrie has a list in her book: 9 tips to help you become an early riser.  If I read that list and write out beside each of her recommendations exactly how that will play out in MY life, I will be that much closer to my goal.  I don't have to reinvent the wheel and neither do you.  Go ahead and research how other people have achieved the same goal that you are trying to achieve.  That's being smart.  :)

3.  My "Habit-to-Be" is Not the Most Important Thing

What is the most important thing?  Why am I getting up earlier?

I am getting up earlier because I want to be a better wife, a better mother, a better person.  That is why I am getting up earlier.  If I get up late one day and it ruins my WHOLE day because all I can think about is how I have failed, how I am a miserable wretch, etc, etc, then I am missing the point.  And so are you if you beat yourself up over something like overeating or missing a day of exercise.

I guess what I'm trying to say is this:  don't lose sight of why you are working towards establishing this habit.  Don't make the habit your "god".  Let it work for you instead of you working for it.  That is how it is meant to be.

Above all, give yourself grace.  When, and if you mess up, which you will do because we ALL mess up sometimes, treat yourself as kindly as you would treat your best friend.

Remind yourself of your good qualities, of past triumphs and envision future victories.  And then join  Paul in saying these words "One thing I do:  Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus." ~ Philippians 3:13b-14

Life is a marathon, not a sprint.  Treat it as such and remind yourself that you are doing a great thing for yourself and others when you press on!
And now . . .

Press on my friend, press on!

From Planning to Doing: On Goals and Habits

Let me just say this;  I talk a pretty good game but I am going to be very honest.  It isn't the planning that gets me.  It's the doing.  It's DOING the PLANNING, for Pete's sake.  ( That was just too funny to resist, sorry! :)

I wanted to talk about how I'm doing with my plan to get up earlier.  

It has become clear to me that if I want to accomplish the goal of getting up earlier every day in January I must make it a good habit.

On a whole, it's working pretty well.  I am trying to enlist Hubby in my plan.  I am envisioning how lovely it's going to be when I actually get up SO EARLY that I make my family a hot breakfast on cold winter mornings, pray over my kids before I send them out the door and even perhaps trek for about the town with the doggie because, Hey, it's morning and I'm Up and At 'Em!

Unfortunately, the hot breakfast thing has been sporadic.  I have fixed Hubby a few sandwiches that I hand to him as he dashes out the door.

"I'm sorry we're out of mayo, but I did put mustard on your ham sandwich and here is a paper towel so it doesn't fall apart!  Love you!"

Praying over the kids has sometimes ( lately mostly) been more in the format of an early morning text.

"I hope auditions go really well for you today!  I will be praying for you all day long.  Love you!"

Now let's switch gears and stop talking specifically about me.  Let's talk about a book I started reading last night.

It's called The How (and Wow!) of Habits by Carrie Willard.

In her concise and well written book Carrie discusses Bad Habits.  It struck me that sometimes the flip side of Goals is Bad Habits.  I mean, think about it.  Let's take a few of my bad habits and talk about them.

Goal:  Get Up Earlier for the month of January.
Bad Habit:  Staying Up Late

The Bad Habit effectively cancels out the goal!  Yikes!

I'm planning to delve more deeply into this Bad Habit breaking science soon so stay tuned!  And meanwhile, know that you are not alone if you are feeling a bit like "Oh, ugh!  What's the point!  All I do is mess up anyway."

Believe me, when I stumbled out of my room several minutes later than I'd planned this morning and had to face a surly, disappointed teenager who was COUNTING ON ME to get her to school EARLY so she could work on a speech project, I was NOT feeling especially victorious and like a winner!  But these habits, these goals . . .they take time.  And the rewards are real and they are worth fighting for.

So let's do it!  Let's fight!

~ Jennifer

What's Thankfulness Got to Do With Faith!?!

I am in a Bible Study group.  It meets every week and we are reading Lord, Change My Attitude Before It's Too Late by James MacDonald.

Perhaps I should explain that faith is one of those concepts I've always found challenging.  I suppose I'm not unusual in that regard . . .don't we all like to be able to explain to ourselves and others why things work the way they do?

There was a time in my life when I bemoaned my lack of faith;  I would say things to God like this "I'm sorry God!  I wish I had more faith but I just don't and I don't know how to fix it, either!"

I thought this way for decades.  I know I did because I can remember the first time I really agonized over my lack of faith . . .I knew that to please God I needed faith and I was afraid I just didn't have it.

But what's a girl to do?  I just kept going.  I went to church, I read my Bible, I prayed.  I was thankful for the good things in my life.

There were times in my life when bad things happened and it was okay.  I mean, it really was fine.  Like when our house burned down.  I remember standing outside of our house in a crowd of people who were just plain gawking.  They'd seen the smoke and the flames from a distance and they'd come to watch.

I stood among them and watched as though it wasn't my bedroom window that the flames were billowing out of, as though I didn't know every picture on the wall, every quilt, every book on the shelves.

And I said something like "Okay, God.  This is too big for us to fix.  You're going to have to do it."  Yep, faith.

He was extremely good to us.  God's people surrounded us and provided the money and the resources to get us back on our feet.  The one thing that I really mourned was the loss of some pictures . . .scrapbooks I hadn't been able to get out.

A few months after the fire Hubby and I drove out there and all of the wreckage had been bulldozed into this massive pile.  In retrospect what I did was stupid,  but I climbed that pile.  And I found the charred remains of my scrapbooks!  Not everything was able to be saved, but I was able to peel the top and the bottom off . . .and what was in the middle . . .not the sides, mind you, was still there.  It was awesome.

During that time it was very easy to be thankful as people gave to us.  It was easy to have faith that things would turn out the way they should.

Without going into all the sordid details, let me just say that I've had others times in my life when being thankful wasn't really very easy.  ( and can I just say that this seems to go in cycles?  I have times when being thankful is SO easy and then there are the times when it is SO hard.)

For me, being thankful had to become a conscious choice.  I had to choose to wake up on cold, dreary days and look for something to be thankful for.  There's always something . . .but sometimes you have to search!  Believe me, I understand.

So when I read these words ( from page 56 of Lord, Change My Attitude Before It's Too Late ) I began to realize that . . .hey, this is pretty amazing and cool.  I have lived this formula before and not realized it. But it worked!  And it can work again!

I also realized that I have NOT lived this formula before and during that time I was miserable and my family was probably pretty miserable, too.  Because whether I want to admit it or not, my attitude/condition does make their lives a lot easier or not so easy.

Anyway, the words from page 56 go like this:

"Only when we recognize God as our gracious provider do we comprehend our need for God and begin to express faith in Him.  That is a very significant point.  Faith grows in the soil of thankfulness."

So basically, if you are suffering from a lack of faith in your life;  if you are angry at God for allowing bad things to happen to you ( I have BEEN there.  I understand!), then start looking for the good.  And say "Thank You!" to God.  ( we know He's real because it doesn't make sense to have a world that exists without a designer . . .Romans 1:19-20)

Say "thank you" for the beauty around you.  It's there.  You might have to look a bit, but it's there.

Say "thank you" for the physical things you can do.  My Hubby is suffering from sciatica right now.  It's really horrible.  But thank God, he hasn't lost control of his bowels.  That's one of the side effects he might have suffered.  I have always taken the ability to go potty when I want and where for granted.  But guess what?  It's not to be take for granted!

The ability to read!  To search on your computer!  To type!  All of these things I take for granted are, in fact, HUGE blessings.

And if your poor brain is too tired and too tormented to focus . . .that's okay, too.  God knows you want to do your best.  He's knows that if you had the strength to think clearly you'd be praising to the moon.

Just enjoy knowing that His will for you is not negative, horrible thought loops.  It's faith building thankful loops . . .

And if you want to think His way, He'll help with that.

Much Love,

~ Jennifer

The Longest Summer of My Life ( My Story, Part Seven)

The Longest Summer of My Life

There's a reason that all those happy commercials on television about depression medicine fixing people have disclaimers.  People like me are the reason.

I was one of the people who "developed suicidal tendencies".  

I was so drugged up that I staggered around like a zombie.  I could feel myself reacting too slowly . . .I tried to fake being normal . . .but I couldn't.

I was wooden and unwell.  That song by Matchbox 20?  "I'm Not Crazy, I'm Just a Little Unwell."  That was me.

And I was my own worst enemy because I was afraid to ask for help . . .I thought that I had already asked for help and it didn't work, so I just had to figure it out on my own.

Hubby thought I needed rest.  He thought that being alone in my bed was healing.  I didn't know then that being alone was the very worst thing for me.  I sat alone in my bedroom, upright, knees drawn to my chest, head bowed and rocked and the thoughts in my head were cruel and unrelenting. Condemning.

I was ashamed of myself.  I believed that my incompetence was my fault.  I had medicine.  I should be better.  But I was not better.  I was worse.  I began to believe that I quite possibly would never get better;  I was horrified by my lack of concentration.  I could not read to my two year old.  Going to the grocery story and trying to decide between cream of chicken soup or cream of mushroom soup was like trying to make pigs fly.  I could not pray.  I could not get anything out of my Bible.

I began to believe that my babies would be better off if I was gone.  I knew I wasn't taking care of them the way I believed they should be cared for and I thought that if I were gone someone else would step up to the plate.  Either my parents, or perhaps Hubby would remarry someone brighter and more capable than I.

Part of me knew this thinking was faulty, but the other part, the part that believed I was horrible and that the problem was MY FAULT and therefore I should be ABLE TO FIX IT BUT BECAUSE I COULD NOT I SHOULD DIE. . .was very convincing. 

I spent hours arguing with myself in my head.

Suicide really did begin to look like an attractive option.  I started to spend long periods of time daydreaming about the easiest way to die.  The problem was I didn't want anyone I loved to find me.  And I don't like pain.

I didn't realize that I was flirting with disaster.  Think about anything long enough and you will act on it.

I really wish I'd known that other people . . .amazing people had suffered from this very same disorder and lived wonderful lives  in spite of it.

I was in really good company!  Winston Churchill!  Abraham Lincoln!  There are more people in the long list of "People with Bipolar" but I didn't know that I had Bipolar . . .I had no idea that I wasn't the only person who had felt this way . . .

Abraham Lincoln once said "I am now the most miserable man living.  If what I feel were equally distributed to the whole human family, there would not be one cheerful face on the earth.  Whether I shall ever be better I cannot tell.  I awfully forebode I shall not.  To remain as I am is impossible.  I must die or be better, it appears to me." ~ Pre Civil War Era.

I didn't know that there were times when his friends never left him alone because they were afraid that he'd kill himself.  ( From the book "Bipolar Disorder, Insights for Recovery" by Jane Mountain, MD.

I started losing the battle with myself.  One out of every five bipolar people kill themselves.  ( From the book, "I'm Not Crazy, Just Bipolar" by Wendy K. Williamson).

Hubby had no idea how ill I really was.  One sunny morning I started taking pills.  I didn't stop until our terrier began barking.  I remember shaking my head and thinking that I probably shouldn't be taking all these pills.

I knew it was wrong and yet . . .the idea that I could take some pills and lay down and go to sleep forever . . .not have to hurt anymore . . .was such an attractive thought. . .

But the other side of me was uneasy about the pills.  I called Hubby, told him what I'd done.  He asked me what I done, how many pills, what kind?

When I told him and he googled it he started to swear.  

I'm not going to go deeply into the painful aftermath of that decision.  It hurts so much even now thinking about how I kissed everyone of my babies before I left to go to the hospital, how my mother asked me "Why?" when she arrived to stay with them . . .

The hospital was cold and bright and the feeling of being there was surreal. I was lucky.  They were able to give me a disgusting potion that took care of me . . .

I was supervised in the ICU because my doctor understood about the pysch ward freaking me out . . .

And Hubby begged her to find me a new psychiatrist.  Bless her, she pulled some strings and got me into see a doctor who wasn't taking new patients. 

Amazing man.  He was from Pakistan, very kind, very professional and he gave me my diagnosis:  Bipolar II.

He was spot on with the medicine that he felt would help me . . .Depakote.

Hubby says that within two weeks I was starting to be the person he knew before my life went to pieces.  But I came out of that episode feeling shattered and scared to death that it would happen again.  It would be years before I started to feel like God was really and truly on my side.

It would be years before I learned the fact that Bipolar II usually presents around age 28, ( I was thirty when mine manifested),

And years before I accepted that I didn't break my brain.  It was genetically pre-programmed to break.

I wish I'd known to be kind to myself . . .

I wish I'd known that even though I couldn't feel Him, God was on my side . 

And I wish I'd known that just because things aren't beautiful . . .

It doesn't mean that life isn't a beautiful thing.