Start Where You Are : Eliminating Negative Self-Talk

I've been blogging on goals and habits.   I was going to save this topic for next month, but it seems applicable to this month.  And so here we go:

One of my goals is to Eliminate Negative Self-Talk.

Another of my goals is to only really tackle one "big"/keystone habit a month.  Right now it's January and somehow I'm working on two keystone habits without really meaning to . . .I need to take the time to sit down and write out at least twelve habits that I want to implement in my life this year.  I've already figured out four of them.

A.  Getting Up By Seven AM on school days for the month of January
B.  Making sure my sink is shined before bed every night for the month of January
C.  Eliminate Negative Self-Talk by praying about it, reading up on how to break bad habits and being accountable to someone everyday in February.
D.  MAYBE I will exercise for at least 15 minutes everyday in March.  I don't know WHAT that's going to look like yet!  So far today it is six degrees outside.  The snow is CRUNCHY.  Yes, we have snow.  Lots of it.  My exercise of choice is walking.  I love to walk.  I do NOT love to walk in the cold.  As you can see I'm still debating this habit.  Perhaps I ought to bump it to June!

But I know that February's keystone habit is going to be Eliminating Negative Self-Talk.  I didn't even really realize I was doing this so much until I read Carrie Willard's book on the "How (and Wow!) of Habits.  In her book she mentions that Eliminating Negative Self-Talk is a keystone habit, meaning that if I can learn to do that other good things will come my way.

I think I had an epiphany about my goals and habits last night.  It looked like this:

Start where you are.

The words reverberated in my skull.  Start. Where. You. Are.

Let me back up and tell you where I was before these words crashed into me.

I was feeling pretty good about myself.

The kitchen was clean.  The living room was clean.  Every member of my household was content.  I was content.

I was thinking about how I'd been doing a good job writing for my blog on a regular basis.  I was thinking that maybe I should clean the tub out again even though I had just cleaned it not too long ago . . .yes, this all happened in the bathroom where I was supervising my two-year as she took a nice long soak.

And then I decided that I should better myself by reading on goals.  Well, that was easy enough.  I googled a blogger that blogs about goals on a regular basis and I read her list of weekly goals.  I did find myself feeling a little deflated partway through, especially when I got to the exercise section.

My next mistake was clicking on another link to another blog on the same topic.  Her blog was peppered with gorgeous pictures.  She was obviously beautiful.  She has a horse.  I am not beautiful.  I want a horse but will probably never have one.

That was it.  I stopped looking.  The comparison boogie men were after me and I was succumbing fast.

And that's when the words hit me:  Start. Where. You. Are.

If God wanted me to have drop dead features and amazing coloring, I'd have them.  As for the horse, well,   I'll have to take that up with Hubby . . .

But the point is this:  when I stopped to think about all the changes that have taken place in the last 18 months of my life . . .I don't have much to complain about all.

Last December, just over a year ago, I was just beginning to pull out of a particularly bad bipolar episode;  I had days when all I could do was pretty much hang out with Hubby or Mother-in-Law.

But I had so much trouble with making decisions ( and I mean SIMPLE things) that Hubby completely delegated Thanksgiving Dinner (which we were hosting because our house was the biggest house) to Mother-in-Law.

I was very much a shell of who I really am.  We were facing a financial crisis:  the loss of our business.  We ended up relocating several states away.  So now we are rebuilding our lives.

And when I stop to think about it, we're doing well with the re-build,  especially since the kids and I only knew one person in this state before we moved here;  especially since Hubby spent the two months prior to this Thanksgiving prone in the living room with a back injury.

When I stop to think about where we have been and what we've come through it seems a little silly to compare myself to other people who have completely different life stories than mine.

We aren't all meant to look the same, act the same or enjoy the same activities.  For example,  as much as I love to see my little girls dressed in cutesy outfits I hate to create said outfits but I sure LOVE it when people like my Mother-in-Law who enjoys creating for little girl send us those cute outfits!

Please,

Start where you are.  Thriving isn't about perfection.  It's about living life the best way you know how, and in the best way you know to love others.

Now, Go Forth and Do,

Love,

~ Jennifer

Pressing On: Maintaing Willpower in Regards to Goals

I am going to talk about maintaining willpower in regards to goals today.

If you have read the last few blog entries I've posted, you know that I am trying to establish a new habit:  I want to get up earlier!

So I am going to talk about that goal today.  I'll put some ideas out there and number them to make it easier to follow so that I can be encouraged in my fight to get up earlier.  You feel free to insert YOUR personal goal into the principles discussed and be encouraged, too.

I was surprised and delighted to find that in the beginning of her awesome book,   The How (and Wow!) of Habits,   Carrie Willard of http://carriewillard.com talks about the same things I'll be blogging on today and so I'm making sure you have a link to her website so that you can get over there and research her further if you like what you are reading here.

So here we go:  I am maintaing this goal, this "Habit-to-Be" because:

1.  My "Habit-to-Be" is a GREAT Habit.  I am going to make a list of WHY this is a great habit to have and tape it to my mirror to remind me daily of WHY I am doing this.

One of the first concepts that Carrie discusses is this:  not all habits are created equal.  Some have a "spillover" effect, meaning that if you establish one habit, it leads to other habits.  For example, if you start making your bed every morning, chances are you will start picking up the socks beside the bed and tossing them into the laundry basket instead of letting them mildew beside the bed.  :)

She lists out some great keystone habits and one of them is eliminating negative talk.  I am mentioning this because perhaps I will work on THIS keystone habit next.  I'm not sure.  Do you see how the fact that I am up early, blogging, is a positive thing?  It is giving me the time to think about my NEXT keystone habit.

It is also great for me to establish my GREAT Habit, not just for me but for others.  Here is a way to remember that:  take a moment and draw a picture.  Write "Me" in the middle of a piece of paper and around it enough lines to radiate out as there are people that are very close to you.  Write their names at the other end of the lines.  In my case, I'd put "Me Up Earlier" in the center and then my Hubby and kids on the other end of the lines.  That would remind me of WHY I'm trying to get up earlier.  Because it helps me, but also THEM.

2.  My "Habit-to-Be" is a Habit that is Easy to Plan Out

A.  I must share my vision with Hubby.  I think he'll get on board because he likes a hot breakfast and because he'll grasp the spillover concept.

B.  I must go to bed earlier.  This is crucial.  It is hard for me to go to bed earlier because I like to hang out with Hubby after the children are all tucked in . . .but if I am intentional about getting myself in bed and establishing a bedtime routine for my Hard-to-Get-to-Sleep Child, this is definitely achievable.

C.  I must research this concept and implement other people's ideas.  Carrie has a list in her book: 9 tips to help you become an early riser.  If I read that list and write out beside each of her recommendations exactly how that will play out in MY life, I will be that much closer to my goal.  I don't have to reinvent the wheel and neither do you.  Go ahead and research how other people have achieved the same goal that you are trying to achieve.  That's being smart.  :)

3.  My "Habit-to-Be" is Not the Most Important Thing

What is the most important thing?  Why am I getting up earlier?

I am getting up earlier because I want to be a better wife, a better mother, a better person.  That is why I am getting up earlier.  If I get up late one day and it ruins my WHOLE day because all I can think about is how I have failed, how I am a miserable wretch, etc, etc, then I am missing the point.  And so are you if you beat yourself up over something like overeating or missing a day of exercise.

I guess what I'm trying to say is this:  don't lose sight of why you are working towards establishing this habit.  Don't make the habit your "god".  Let it work for you instead of you working for it.  That is how it is meant to be.

Above all, give yourself grace.  When, and if you mess up, which you will do because we ALL mess up sometimes, treat yourself as kindly as you would treat your best friend.

Remind yourself of your good qualities, of past triumphs and envision future victories.  And then join  Paul in saying these words "One thing I do:  Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus." ~ Philippians 3:13b-14

Life is a marathon, not a sprint.  Treat it as such and remind yourself that you are doing a great thing for yourself and others when you press on!
And now . . .

Press on my friend, press on!

From Planning to Doing: On Goals and Habits

Let me just say this;  I talk a pretty good game but I am going to be very honest.  It isn't the planning that gets me.  It's the doing.  It's DOING the PLANNING, for Pete's sake.  ( That was just too funny to resist, sorry! :)

I wanted to talk about how I'm doing with my plan to get up earlier.  

It has become clear to me that if I want to accomplish the goal of getting up earlier every day in January I must make it a good habit.

On a whole, it's working pretty well.  I am trying to enlist Hubby in my plan.  I am envisioning how lovely it's going to be when I actually get up SO EARLY that I make my family a hot breakfast on cold winter mornings, pray over my kids before I send them out the door and even perhaps trek for about the town with the doggie because, Hey, it's morning and I'm Up and At 'Em!

Unfortunately, the hot breakfast thing has been sporadic.  I have fixed Hubby a few sandwiches that I hand to him as he dashes out the door.

"I'm sorry we're out of mayo, but I did put mustard on your ham sandwich and here is a paper towel so it doesn't fall apart!  Love you!"

Praying over the kids has sometimes ( lately mostly) been more in the format of an early morning text.

"I hope auditions go really well for you today!  I will be praying for you all day long.  Love you!"

Now let's switch gears and stop talking specifically about me.  Let's talk about a book I started reading last night.

It's called The How (and Wow!) of Habits by Carrie Willard.

In her concise and well written book Carrie discusses Bad Habits.  It struck me that sometimes the flip side of Goals is Bad Habits.  I mean, think about it.  Let's take a few of my bad habits and talk about them.

Goal:  Get Up Earlier for the month of January.
Bad Habit:  Staying Up Late

The Bad Habit effectively cancels out the goal!  Yikes!

I'm planning to delve more deeply into this Bad Habit breaking science soon so stay tuned!  And meanwhile, know that you are not alone if you are feeling a bit like "Oh, ugh!  What's the point!  All I do is mess up anyway."

Believe me, when I stumbled out of my room several minutes later than I'd planned this morning and had to face a surly, disappointed teenager who was COUNTING ON ME to get her to school EARLY so she could work on a speech project, I was NOT feeling especially victorious and like a winner!  But these habits, these goals . . .they take time.  And the rewards are real and they are worth fighting for.

So let's do it!  Let's fight!

~ Jennifer