The Key to Getting Better

So often times it happens that we live our lives in chains
And we never even know we have the key ~ The Eagles, Already Gone

If you had told me that I had the key to getting better when everything first crashed down around me I would have been really angry at you.

I spent all my time and all my energy trying to feel better/figure out what was wrong with me before I basically collapsed.  I was sure that if I had the key, I would have KNOWN and I would have USED it.

Want to know what the key is?

It is this: Never, never give up.  Keep fighting.  And don't fight alone.

No man is an island.

One of the mistakes I made at the beginning of my journey is this:  I didn't tell my husband about my struggles until I was almost swallowed by them.  I talked to one of my friends a lot.  I threw out theories as to why I was feeling so badly.  I was desperately trying to figure out why I was falling apart.  None of the reasons I examined was the real reason. 

It never occurred to me that I could be dealing with mental illness.  I really believed that mental illness was for other people:  people who had been abused or had done drugs or had an obviously mental ill relative.  I fit into none of those categories.  It wasn't until I was in treatment that I found out that in my family tree were people who had struggled with mental illness, too.  It's not something people like to talk about.  Most people will hide it if they can.

 In retrospect,  pouring out my heart to this friend was not the best route to go because I overwhelmed her with my angst.  What I really needed was somebody to recognize that what was going on was bigger than me and it was bigger than my friend.

My husband was the one who recognized that what was happening to me was bigger than me and it was bigger than him.  This wasn't just a problem we could talk about and resolve.

So let's take a moment and talk about assembling a team to help you.

1. Tell the people who love you the most.  

2.  Go to the doctor.  Even if you don't want to;  especially if you don't want to go.

3.  Understand that a good therapist is worth their weight in gold

4. Find a support group;  there are online support groups.  Google your diagnosis or what you think it is.

5. There are also "in real life" support groups.  Contact NAMI or look into Celebrate Recovery.

6. Think about the people in your life that you can call.  When I first started reaching out to people we very seldom discussed my breakdown.  I didn't know how to talk about my problems and they didn't know how to talk about them so we'd talk about whatever:  the weather, community events, mutual friends, our kids, etc.  This was extremely helpful because it just got my brain off of the negative stuff.  SO HELPFUL.  Don't underestimate the power of distraction.  If you do have friends who have gone through depression or some other mental illness they'll understand why you're calling and be willing to talk about meds and such without getting "freaked out" about the topic.  Also helpful.  :)

7.  God.  I saved "the best" for last because there is so much to say about seeking God when you are in a "bad" place . . .I want you to understand that if you can't "feel" God, you are not alone.  Please don't give up on trying to reach Him.  Keep going to church, keep reading His Word, pray the best you can.

Many, many people have been in a place where they wonder about God and why He has allowed them to be in such a dark place.  But it doesn't mean that He isn't there.  I think that the author of Footprints in the Sand captured what we all tend to feel perfectly.

Foot Prints in the Sand

One night I dreamed I was walking along the beach with the Lord.

Many scenes from my life flashed across the sky.
In each scene I noticed footprints in the sand.
Sometimes there were two sets of footprints,
other times there were one set of footprints.

This bothered me because I noticed
that during the low periods of my life,
when I was suffering from
anguish, sorrow or defeat,
I could see only one set of footprints.

So I said to the Lord,
‘You promised me Lord,
that if I followed you,
you would walk with me always.
But I have noticed that during the most trying periods of my life
there have only been one set of footprints in the sand.
Why, when I needed you most, you have not been there for me?’

The Lord replied,
‘The times when you have seen only one set of footprints in the sand,
is when I carried you.’

-Mary Stevenson

Things I Have to Remember

I have Bipolar II.

As much as I want it to go away and never come back, that is not the nature of the beast.

Bipolar II is like a pesky raccoon that you trapped and got rid of and then he comes back and roots around in your garbage AGAIN and create more messes for you to clean up.

You can do stuff about the raccoon.  You can strap your garbage cans shut.  You can try to keep him out of the attic and the crawl space.  You can make sure there is not a nice place for the coon to bed down and have babies.  But that doesn't change the fact that you do have a raccoon problem.

So it is if you have a chronic mental illness.

I think it is important to understand this so that you don't get so overwhelmed and discouraged when it comes back that you don't fight it.

Not too long ago I was "on top of the world" again.  Not "too" on top of the world.  I wasn't manic and running out and doing unreasonable things.

No, I just was feeling good enough to keep the house clean, walk the dog daily, get up before the kids and read my Bible and pray and write about mental illness.

I felt like a winner, an overcomer.

And then these things started happening.  I got some stressful news.  It threw me.  I felt like "but I am unshakeable right now so I am fine."  Not so much.

Then my routine was disrupted.  It was for a good cause.  I got to spend some extra time with the people I love most, but it was still a change and my sleep patterns got kind of messed with.  Then my daughter started throwing up at night.  That REALLY threw a wrench into the sleeping.

I got a little unreasonable and that lead to a fight because I didn't MEAN to be unreasonable and I thought I was speaking from a place of objectivity about an article I had just read.  But the person I was speaking to took it personally.

The fight led to me thinking some very black thoughts that I know are in the "danger" zone.  I then had to figure out how to not think obsessively about these scenarios that had started playing out in my mind.   I am aware that if you think a thought 40 times it burns a loop in your brain and it is easy for the brain to go back to that thought, almost without your permission.

And all this time I was trying to behave as though everything was "normal" and do my "normal" wife/mom things.  Guess what?

My house is a mess;  my three year old still isn't 100 percent and even though I don't "believe" in screen times except in limited doses, she's watching something educational.  Plus,  my devotions didn't get done "properly" today and I'm still in my pajamas even though I should be dressed by now.  I have, however, eaten breakfast and am drinking healthy stuff instead of loading up on caffeine and sugar . . .my default pattern when I am stressed.

So what are the things I have to remember?

1.   We All Fall Down Sometimes
2.  We Won't Stay Down
3.  The Reason We Don't Stay Down is Because There are Tools to Help Us Back Up

More on the tools later!

~ Be well,

Jenn

I'm a WIP

I'm a WIP.  A Work In Progress.

It occurred to me this morning that if my life is a journey up the mountain of healing then I'm just a little further along than some of the other people who are also going up the mountain.

I don't know it all;  that's for sure.  And I am still trying to figure out some of my own stuff.  I don't even know how much STUFF I have to figure out.

But for what it's worth, I do know a thing or two.

And I'd be happy to share a thing or two with you, if you're interested in listening.

What do I wish somebody had told me when I first realized I had to climb the mountain of healing?

I wish they would have said:

1.  All you have to do right now is not end things.  That's it.

2.  It gets better.   It really, really does.

3.  You aren't imaging this; it is a real thing.

3.  You don't have to understand why this happened before you can heal.

4.  You do need to understand that this is not your fault.   See point number 3

5.  God is for you;  He is not against you.

6.  Even if you can't feel Him, He is there all the same.