Bipolar and Fear

Today I was pretty useless for a while.  I did straighten the house, make a pot roast and do the bare minimum as far as homeschooling my sweet girl was concerned.

But I did a lot of laying on the couch in my pajama's feeling like a slug.  My throat hurt.  I think I have an infection in my lymph nodes.  I am tired.

About four o'clock my darling husband called and asked me to bring him something.  I drug myself off the couch and put on jeans instead of my fuzzy PJ pants.

I figured that as long as I had to go to him I might as well stop at the grocery store and pick up some necessary items.  But as I drove I realized that I was doing that "tearful" thing.  I didn't even have the "bad thought" loops going on.

And the fear came rushing in.  It sounded like this:  "What if my bipolar comes back?  It can't come back.  I can't take another episode.  It's not good for me and it's no good for anybody else, especially with Hubby facing physical therapy and maybe back surgery.  I can't lay on the couch and be sad and non-functional."

The next thing that I said to myself was "Well, my forum friend recommended the Living Well With Chronic Illness class and it's being offered here soon."

Fear number two raised it's head:  "But I have no friends here to watch my kids ( we've just moved.)  I'd better not."

Fear number three said "You don't want to go to that class.  You're going to walk in and people are going to be like  "Look at you!  You're young!  You don't have anything REALLY wrong with you!  What's a little depression!  It's no big deal."

Fear number four said "You can't even ask your few new friends about finding childcare because then you'd have to go into why and they'd be like . . .eh, this girl is not a good person to be friends with.  Bipolar is a BAD word."

So here I am . . .feeling like eh, if I reveal my real self to the world, I get rejected.

If I don't reveal my real self, I get worse and then I really WILL get rejected.

Fear.

"Hello, darkness, my old friend. . . "

I can't do the darkness.

So tonight I'll do my best to talk to Hubby and we'll figure something out.  I'm not going to risk going into the dark place again.

An interesting thing happened when I walked into the grocery store.  I walked the aisles, looking at this, picking this up, doing some mental math.  I joked with a couple of people.  I smiled at the cashier.  Basically, being out changed my attitude.  I was "okay" in those moments.

And I walked out knowing that I HAVE to make myself get out of the house . . .yep.  Get out of the house and face my fears.

I'll let you know how it goes.  And here's to you getting out and facing your fears!

Be Well,

~ Jennifer