Dark Night of the Soul

So I wonder how many of us Christians out there would admit that going to church is very easy compared to reading our Bibles and praying every single day.

Me.  I'll admit it.  I'll raise my hand and say "Yeah, that's hard for me."

At one point I was REALLY good at reading my Bible and praying everyday.  Oh, more than one point in my life.  I remember some pretty awesome times with my notebook and pencil, making up acrostic prayers based on my baby girl's name.

I can still remember that prayer for her.  The first line goes "Keep her and protect her."

Sadly, after my first major bipolar incident my faith suffered a direct hit.  I was really angry that God allowed me to be in a place where I could not feel Him and I took it REALLY personally.  Since then I've discovered that many, many people have gone through the same feeling of being unable to connect to God.

If you'd like to read more about that topic, check out the book Prayer, Does It Make Any Difference? by Philip Yancey and also The Power of a Praying Woman by Stormie Omartian.

What a surprise to find that I was not the only person who couldn't concentrate to read the Bible!  I wasn't the only person who prayed . . .and felt . . .and saw . . .NOTHING.

A Catholic friend of mine told me that in her faith this is called "The Dark Night of the Soul."  Sound just about right to me because that is exactly how I felt about my faith.  Like it wasn't a real thing at all.

And yet something in me refused to believe that God wasn't real, that I should stop believing. 

This January I was NOT going to make any New Year's Resolutions.  I have made them before they haven't stuck.  Then I feel like a failure and try to forget that I ever had that idea in the first place.  I decided just to avoid that whole painful process and treat January like any other month by keeping on with my regularly scheduled life.

God, however, it seems, had a different idea.

Google Fresh Life Church, Creature of Habit, Levi Lusko, if you'd like to hear or see the sermons that made me decide to give doing my devotions another shot.  ( And walking the dog daily, but that is a different topic!)

Pastor Levi made two statements that really stuck with me.

One, he asked the audience to think about what habits they would be thankful they had developed ten years from now.  And two, he informed us all just how much time the average person spends on social media every day.  I have to tell you . . .I deleted Facebook off of my phone and had to go through a few days of withdrawal.  I know, I know.  Not cool.  I had just gotten to the point that if I was in the bathroom, I checked FB.  If I was standing in the kitchen, not wanting to do the dishes, I checked FB.  At the park, annoyed with my toddler . . .check FB.  I was checking out of my daily life several times a day by running to FB so I didn't have to think my own thoughts or deal with irritations.

An amazing thing happened when I got rid of FB on my phone.  I became SUPER productive.  This is because I became BORED for the first time in a very long time and had to come up with my own thoughts and ideas.  I don't remember where exactly I listened to it, but there is a podcast out there, perhaps RadioLab, that discusses this very topic . . .how smartphones are addictive and how people never get bored anymore and how that is BAD because then you are not forced to become creative.

I did become creative.  I looked around my bedroom and thought, "You know, I'd really love to make this a beautiful place, a retreat from the craziness of our everyday life."  Over a couple of months our bedroom went from a mattress on the floor, mismatched lamps, piles of disorganized stuff everywhere and really not very nice curtains to something that could almost be in a magazine.  Almost.  I still want to paint the dresser and the nightstands before I am "there."  And I need to find some living plants to put around because I love plants.  I was surprised at how Hubby was all for it when I started to share my ideas with him.  He had ideas, too . . .and really good ones.

But the point is . . .it all started with a sermon on God?  And making Him a priority?  Amazing how your life starts to fall into place when you start to seek Him. 

I do set my timer every morning and I read my Bible and a devotional book . . .right now I'm working through Stormie's Power of a Praying Woman.  And then I go walk the dog.  I am training her to heel and my goal is to get her to where I can walk her and she will stay beside me and then I can pray, undistracted, for 20 minutes a day while I walk.  We aren't there yet.  I have to stop ALL the time and tell her to heel.  But she's better than she was.

Anyway, just popping in to say that if you are in a "Dark Night of the Soul" moment, it's okay.  Reach towards God. He'll reach back, even if you can't feel Him.  And it will get better.