I remember being very energetic in January. I kept my house sparkling. I remember a phone call in March that made my normally laid back husband furious. But then things shifted subtly and my sparkling self began to fade away.
There was a sense of desperation as spring progressed. I found a copy of a Bible study book on depression and got a friend to work through it with me. I tried to apply the concepts to my life but it was like holding water in my cupped hands and watching it slip through my fingers.
I had finished the round of probiotics. I didn’t feel the need to see that doctor anymore. She was wanting to hook me up and run currents of electricity through me or something like that. I can’t remember anymore. It’s all a little fuzzy, a little blurry . . .
Hubby was busy working two jobs. My parents farm was abuzz with all the craziness that comes with life on a farm in the spring. Baby calves, fields being plowed, corn planted . . .all of the farm equipment from last summer had to be pulled out and if repairs were needed, they needed to happen.
I was welcome to come over anytime, but I felt awkward and underfoot. I didn’t want to bother anybody. I start to isolate myself from the people who loved me best.
I was supposed to be homeschooling my second grader and kindergartner. I was supposed to be watching my two year-old and I was doing my best.
But I felt so overwhelmed! I found a online homeschooling group that was associated with the curriculum I was using with my kids and spent a lot of time asking questions of these faceless friends or sharing my wisdom about a particular situation.
These friends helped but, still guilt began to creep in. Something was wrong! This should not be so hard. Where was my energy? What was wrong with ME? I’d been to the doctor. Together we’d fixed that probiotic issue. So what was it?
Well meaning people assured me that mothers work hard! Of course I was tired! After conversations like that I felt that all mothers must be tired; I must be normal. But if this was normal, I didn’t like being normal.
I hadn’t EVER really been so incompetent and tired like this. If this was normal motherhood I was in trouble. Big trouble because once you give birth, let’s face it. You can’t go back. It made me really sad and beat my self-confidence down, down, down.
At this point in our lives Hubby was dealing with a really difficult work situation and I didn’t want to burden him with my problems. I felt as though he had REAL problems and mine were somehow pretend, made-up problems. And the last thing I wanted to do was be a problem for him.
So I thought that if I just read another article on how to think positively, or if I bought some more green leafy vegetables, or prayed harder, I could fix this. There was a piece of the puzzle that I was missing. I searched for it, but I could not find it.
I felt shaky and wondered how it was that people didn’t see how poorly I was functioning. . . but all I was showing anybody was small talk . . .so how were they to know?
Somehow I managed to keep the routines going: food cooked, laundry done, the homeschooling checklists got checked. None of it was done as well as I would have liked, but at least it was done.
And then it was June and time for Vacation Bible School!
I know that VBS is not something that everyone does, so let me just take a minute to explain how it works.
A church opens its doors and invites the kids from the community in. For a week they are taught about God; usually there’s a lot of music, crafts, games, etc.
It was a big deal at our church. I’ve been going to VBS since I was just tiny. I loved it when I was a kid. As a teenager I was a helper, and as an adult I was expected to teach.
Now mind you, we aren’t talking rocket science here. I already knew all the Bible concepts that I was supposed to teach AND they gave us a very detailed teacher’s guide so we could tailor each lesson to our own personal style.
But I was terrified by the idea of helping this year. I felt weak, like I wouldn’t be able to walk around and be all energetic. And the idea of trying to string one concept after another together in front of a room of kids . . .of trying to answer all their questions. I didn’t think I could do it!
A special speaker was coming in and Hubby was very busy with work and getting ready for this Bible School because after all, he’d done lots of them in the past and the church needed him/expected him to help with this one.
I waited until the last minute to tell him that I couldn’t help. It was hard. I burst into tears. I buried my face in his shoulder.
He was kind. He shushed me. He told me we’d go see the doctor who had delivered all three of our babies. She’d figure this out with us. It would be okay.
And he was right . . .but neither of had any idea about the journey we about to embark on: the long road to okay.
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